Control was never yours
Recently, my wife was forced to find new work.
Her company shifted direction and its operations, no surprise. The world shifts quickly. Like most organisational changes, it affects not only the business but also each person within it.
When she became aware of the news, she felt the immediate weight. Plans paused. Progress felt distant. Worry showed up quickly. Over the next few days, her thoughts began to spiral, and her posture dipped. It felt like control had been taken from her.
We’ve been in this dance before, the frustrating rhythm of two steps forward, ten steps back. I reminded her of our moments we share dancing in the kitchen, the twirl, it's like life, turns us 360 too. The difference I'm there to catch her. In those moments, it’s easy to feel that control has vanished.
But that’s rarely true. What slips isn’t control, it’s our sense of certainty.
The internal fight
At some point, life demands more, and when we’re on autopilot, it can quickly turn against us. Without the consistent practice of managing ourselves, that loss of grip feels like control is slipping.
I fought for control for a long time. I started with minimal, worked hard for shelter, food, and bills. When I finally felt I was moving, it was snatched away. I had my moments of distress, but nothing over the top. I couldn't afford to. Eventually, I let go of control; it felt like an object, something I must have, hold, or own. But it's more like the weather; shifting, responsive, changing, but never fully ours, so I stopped chasing it.
The thought of someone losing control seems like a dramatic moment. A visible explosion, a sharp reaction, a breakdown. That’s only the surface. What looks like someone has lost control is, in truth, erosion.
Erosion always starts quietly, long before anything looks out of hand. A tightened breath, a decisive tone, a rushed decision, or a thought loop we’ve been feeding. By the time it becomes visible, it ate at us inside, scraping and carving away beneath; like potholes forming beneath a smooth road.
And this is the part we rarely question:
If something can be taken so quickly, was it even ours to begin with?
When erosion is left unmanaged, it spreads. It distorts our clarity, interrupts our thinking, fuels our reactions and shapes our behaviour. All of which reaffirms the erosion, and so it forces us to fill the hollow space, usually with things that never hold up, false certainty: validation, pride, worth, anger, or what many people easy reach for, a lot of comfort; food, medication, drugs, maybe alcohol.
What we call losing control is actually certainty breaking, not capability.
When capability starts to erode
Losing control feels like sliding down a mountain after all the effort to climb it, and the more we try to fight it, the more we slide. Our first instinct is to take control, but I've come to realise it isn’t our ability to control the situation (which often feels sporadic) that gives us the grip; it's our ability to take Command. Without it, the longer we dwell, the further we erode inside, and the gap only gets deeper.
Self-command is the ability to take command of yourself, a moment-to-moment practice, acting with intention despite any experiences we face. Consider this:
Point A = Awareness [the knowing]
Point B = Action [the doing]
What strengthens and connects the two points is also what, when weak, causes erosion; command or a lack of it represents that connection, and the stronger it is, the stronger your leadership becomes in every area of life.
Often in that erosion, we're indulging ourselves in narratives, opinions, and a sense of reachable safety, even going so far as to create the belief that we are unable to act; that's what I call False Uncertainty: avoiding your own capability by amplifying risks, timing, or external conditions.
What weakens this connection isn’t always emotion; it’s interpretation. When awareness is present, but action doesn’t follow, the mind steps in to fill the gap. Not with truth, but with explanations.
“It’s not the right time.”
“I need more clarity.”
“Let me think about it.”
"Just leave it, I won't not saying"
This isn't uncertainty, it's a delay of responsibility. You already see, you already know, but you don't step into it. The delay is creating erosion.
Often, people know they shouldn’t react, yet they do. They know they need rest, yet they push harder. They know what’s the right thing to do is, yet they hesitate and rationalise.
→ In business, a meeting can turn tense, and your voice is overshadowed. Taking command means staying composed, not becoming defensive.
→ In a relationship, when you’re not being heard and begin to shut down, taking command means choosing to listen instead of withdrawing.
→ When burnout creeps in, taking command means confidently saying no or slowing down without the guilt.
When internal erosion weakens our command, leadership suffers. That gap between A and B gets filled with fear, impulse, or doubt. Personal Command is the only glue strong enough to disrupt reactivity, ego spikes or emotional spiralling for weeks or months.
Filling the gap
Strengthening our command begins by interrupting our unconscious patterns. The ones that take over and react before we get the chance to shape them. Right now, it's less important to know what they are, but begin creating new, empowering ones that replace them.
When my struggle was at its peak, every experience demanded my attention. Setbacks became a form of training, and in that period, my command of self grew stronger. I’ve been practising three power shifts for a long time before I realised I was doing it, I call it:
Personal Command Code
E - Expectation Awareness.
E - Emotional Authority.
C - Choice Ownership.
Expectations are the silent assumptions that control us if left unchecked.
We expect how life should go, how others should behave. What should work and how fast.
Often feeling internally broken when they're not met; we point fingers, withdraw, or quietly doubt ourselves. All while missing how much weight we’ve placed on those assumptions. Interrupting that pattern changes everything.
Our Emotions are triggered by years of associations and beliefs.
Irritation speaks before awareness has a chance, and worries can build stories that don’t exist. Command doesn’t silence emotions. It stops them from leading. That option is always available.
Finally, Choice, how to act, how to behave, how to respond. Many times, we hesitate, wait, let others act first, or need approval. Command allows us to take ownership of what we know is true for us even if it feels like a mistake, a "wrong" move. Decisions made guilt-free, without fear, without validation.
These three shifts shape everything we face and return the power to us that has always been there.
I want to gift you this resource, where I explain how it works, so grab it free here.
Let it become your Personal Command Code.
In the moments I needed it the most, it composed me, stopped the spiral, and gave me grip. It allowed me to move, I didn't need to control, and more importantly, it never diminished.
It saved my life more than once. It will also hold you when control can’t.
All said and done
Controlling situations is a action for the limited. Owning the moment, that’s personal power, for the limitless, and it stops the erosion happening.
Oh, by the way, three days after, my wife took command. She landed a better job with a higher paying salary, a nurturing manager, and real growth prospects ahead.
She’s happier than ever.
Until next time, self-leaders.
Anks Patel