Why being yourself feels like effort

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I was catching up with a fellow business builder I hadn’t spoken to in years.

The conversation was natural, open and effortless, midway, they justify the catchup, “I’m reaching out to connect with like-minded people who want to authentically make a difference”.

Authentically? What began authentically stopped the moment that word was used.

The word felt out of place. It didn’t feel real; it felt persuasive, almost scripted.

Like an attempt to build rapport. To make me feel seen as authentic, and to signal that they were, too. This revealed a two-fold problem:

1. People are trying to be authentic and be seen in such a way

2. They are struggling to perceive what authenticity is

Both are creating confusion, mistrust and misreading.

It’s strange to think we can perceive authenticity for someone else.

What we call “authenticity” is merely our interpretation, shaped by expectations, beliefs, culture, and our own filtered meaning. We cannot observe authenticity directly, that's impossible.

The world’s obsession with appearing authentic sends people in the opposite direction, leading them off track, measuring themselves against someone else’s interpretation.  

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Measuring by their meaning

At any time the word authentic is introduced, there is a metric, a silent expectation set to align with, an internal standard that is unaware. The moment I heard that in that conversation, I realised I wasn't being understood, I was being measured against a meaning I didn’t even know.

That’s the danger:

1. We feel we've been seen.

2. We lead on what gets that response, even when it's misaligned.

It’s subtle, but powerful if not caught. Because eventually, like a drug, once is not enough. We want that feeling again, and when it doesn't come, we start performing authenticity - adjusting, tweaking, softening or emphasising parts of ourselves to match someone else’s idea of “real”.

This is where the effort begins. You’re no longer just being yourself, you’re managing how your “realness” is received.

Being yourself feels like an effort because you’re constantly adjusting to how you think you’re being interpreted.

I came across a social post encouraging people to “show up as yourself,” followed by a list of ways that person was doing it, they said:

→ Stop apologising

→ Dress for yourself

→ Own your imperfections

These are good practices, and it sounds empowering, but look closely. It’s built on a narrative, it's a reaction to a set standard built by what others think. This is what measuring ourselves on their meaning looks like.

To dress for yourself, if it needs to be declared, justified or framed, it's still about how your choice will be seen. Is this truly dressing freely? It's positioning choice against an expectation. Why not simply accept that being human requires no label?

To own your imperfections, calling the label out, imperfection, keeps the external standard alive. The measure is still against what is considered a flaw; they are simply rebranding the relationship to it. Why not simply accept that being human requires no label?

To stop apologising, this only exist in a world where you expect disapproval. The behaviour is still shaped by outside standards. It's a reaction to judgement, just in the opposite direction. Rebellion is still a reaction.

For each point, it's built around the same reference point: other people's interpretations, the behaviour just looks independent. And that's not authenticity, that's just resistance, not freedom from it.

This type of behaviour is characterised by a pattern called Symmetrical Relations, a fancy name for how we mirror meaning. A simple way to see this is if I said I was your friend, then, by symmetry, you are also my friend. We assume mutuality, equality and balance. In some cases, we create Non-Symmetrical Relations; if I am your brother, you may not be my brother, but my sister.

Authenticity is being mirrored here without realising. We participate in the same relationships of meaning. We're unaware of it, and we react. By reacting to the outer world, we 'validate' the relations and begin living in that field by measuring ourselves against their meaning.

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Hold yourself to yourself

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We treat authenticity as something to show, a behaviour, an image, a signal for others to recognise. But authenticity isn't a behaviour, it's a state of being. Expressed as congruence and independent of external influence.

It's the very paradox authenticity has: our adoption of it contradicts the behaviour required to live it. The more we entertain the idea of authenticity, the less real it is.

A friend of mine, Mandeep Singh, comes to mind.

I met him in my first year of university. He held himself differently from others, and he walked beside me through my struggles with homelessness. Giving support when I needed it, space in his home when I had nowhere to store my belongings, drove me back and forth when I couldn't afford the bus. He embodied optimism that I could absorb.

After almost 20 years, today, he is exactly who I met on the first day. He is the same in front of me, my family, at his work, in study, with his wife and in his home. When life throws a curveball, he responds the same; intentional and calm. He holds a state that favours him.

It’s easy to mimic authenticity by copying someone else’s behaviour. That's what much of personal branding today sells. Established approaches, familiar styles, everyone projecting the same signals.

But the state itself cannot be copied. That’s a personal practice. I would never be Mandeep, but if there were anything I’d emulate from him, it's this: hold himself to himself.

When people try to show, speak, or encourage authenticity, they enter the paradox:

To be authentic → Stop performing

To prove authenticity → Start performing

That's the contradiction.

The moment authenticity becomes something to demonstrate, it turns into performance. And performance is effort. Because now you’re not just being, you’re managing, monitoring, and adjusting yourself across every interaction. It’s what I call ill-informed authenticity — a distorted version of individuality, where people aren’t expressing themselves. They are circulating for approval from others.

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He was only human

When the advice is “be yourself” or “be who you are”, it’s a great starting point for alignment, but not authenticity, because phrases like that assume being authentic:

→ You know how you are already

→ You've defined the values to which you embody

→ You act from alignment, not fear

→ You're not leaning on what the world sets

→ You respond from truth, not pressure

For most people, that’s not the case; the work is untouched or incomplete. So 'be yourself' aligns with an unexamined identity, people base themselves on past experiences, wounds, expectations, or survival.

One moment changed this for me.

When my dad was declared to have 24 hours left to live, he fought 87 hours with breathing issues, struggling and drowning inside his own lungs. During hour 80, I was alone with him, and he mumbled something. I leaned in, “Thank you.”

“For what, Dad? You don’t need to say thank you.”

He whispered, “for being there for me when I needed you the most”.

In that moment, years of frustration washed off me. His stubbornness, his demands, the emotional weight, the selfishness, all the parts of him that was difficult and unhealed.

It hit me. Like a force I wasn’t prepared for: He was only human. He was trying, just like the rest of us.

Something softened inside me with forgiveness, clarity and truth.

→ People are trying, despite their lies and masks

→ People are surviving, despite their burdens

→ People are reacting, despite their intentions

→ People are carrying pain we never see

Authenticity isn’t built on polished identities; it’s built on being human.

Everyone is trying, we are all practising the art of being human. Seeing that in others removes the pressure for anyone to be anything more, and it allows all of us to harness our personal power.

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All said and done

We talk more about authenticity than we live it. And those who don't speak of it are the most congruent. Not by what they do, but by their ability to hold their core state.

Dropping the need for the term entirely, or knowing from the get-go that we are all authentically human. It might be the most liberating thing you can do.

Oh, and my business conversation earlier wasn’t built on this insight, because I haven’t heard from them since. I don't think I'm authentic for them anymore 😏.

Until next time, self-leaders.

Anks Patel

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